What Do I Need to Let Go Of?

Every year, for at least a decade, I had the same new year’s resolution. It wasn’t that I failed at keeping it. It was that it was a never-ending process. That new year’s resolution was to let go of stuff and simplify my life. And no matter how much I minimized my furnishings, downsized my social obligations, streamlined my work, and took time out for meditation and worked on my emotional baggage, but there was always more to do. Sometimes I wasn’t even sure what I needed to let go of.

Hi, I’m Laura Giles, and Let It Go Now is all about letting go of the things that get in the way of your savage, authentic life. We talk about getting our junk out of the way so we can be ourselves, have meaningful connection, and shine, and on today’s show, I am answering the question, “What do I let go of?” 

We all need to have a direction, right? But what if we don’t know what direction to go in, or we don’t know what we don’t know and are holding on to the wrong thing? It’s a real issue.

My job as a therapist and coach is to help people reach their own goals, but sometimes their goals aren’t particularly effective. Take the person in a domestic violence relationship who just wants to know how to improve communication with their abusive spouse. Or the city that wants to solve their water crisis by pumping in water from hundreds of miles away to their overcrowded, dry city. Or the person with diabetes who wants to know how he can continue to eat junk food and control his insulin. 

All these things focus on solving the symptom, not the problem. Our whole society is set up this way. We make things easier and more convenient without thinking about the big picture. And it creates a situation where we can more comfortably slide into further decline. Yeow! Is that what we really want? 

Last week I talked about the call to adventure when things are so desperate that there is nothing to do but let the old die so the new thing can be born. This is what I am talking about. We don’t let anything die. We just give it another Band-Aid so we can maintain the comfy status quo.

With the water situation, I read that California is talking about desalination plants and taking water from the Mississippi river to deal with their water crisis. How about limiting development so that it doesn’t exceed the land’s carrying capacity?

I know there is prime real estate that developers want to build on to make money. I know there are people who want an ocean view, but each place can support only a certain number of creatures and remain sustainable. When we build a house on sand, they will go quickly into the sea as homeowners who built in Sandbridge, Virginia found out. There were all these expensive homes built right on the ocean and it wasn’t a decade before a hurricane washed most of them out to sea. 

Unfortunately, the impact isn’t always that immediate. Maybe it manifests miles away or years later, so we don’t put two and two together. We’ve been pumping water from remote lakes and rivers for decades now and are seeing the impact where the water originates. Those snow-capped mountains aren’t so snow capped anymore. And ski resorts have to make their own snow. They can’t get water from this source anymore because there is no more.

So what are they doing? They are looking for other sources of water. Does this bother you? It bothers me. A lot. This is not just their water, their land, and their quality of life. This is all our water. When it’s gone from the water cycle, it’s gone for everyone. It’s like in the movie There Will Be Blood when the oil guy tells the man who holds out from selling him his land that he got his oil anyway. He doesn't have to be on his land to get his oil. It’s all connected. All the water is connected. 

Everything moves in a circle. It gets recycled. If you take it out of the cycle, it is BOOM! Done. Nature is a balanced system. If you tamper with the system, it becomes unbalanced. And when you artificially sustain a system, you are only postponing the crash. When it crashes, it will go big.

So, you can learn communication skills to make your domestic violence relationship more tolerable, but the problem is still there. It’s the abuse. You need to let go of the abuse.

You can take a prescription to level out your insulin, but the problem for some people is an unhealthy lifestyle. You need to let go of a sedentary lifestyle and donuts or sugar ladened processed foods.

Ultimately, it’s your life. You can hold on or let go of what you want to. In my opinion, there are two ways to tackle the issue of letting go. The big picture and the little picture is one way. And looking at symptoms or root causes is another.

In the big picture, we need to let go of everything. I mean everything. All attachments, all stories, all illusions. This is hard to fathom without an experience of letting go, but once you have had this experience, you really know the value of letting go.

So, this happened to me spontaneously. I wasn’t trying to make it happen, but I was in a sensory deprivation pod. They call this floating. Lots of cities have float centers where you get into this pod or room that is made for removing all sensations. You’re floating in 10 inches of epsom salts, which makes you super buoyant. The water and air are the same temperature as your skin, so you can’t tell where your body water and air end and begin. It’s all one sensation. 

There is no light, so there is nothing to see. There is no smell and nothing to taste. Your body is weightless, so you don’t even have to maintain your balance. In short, there is nothing to do and nothing to sense. Your brain can just turn off.

And that’s exactly what happened. My brain turned off. There were no thoughts.There was just nothing. I can’t really explain it time wise because it’s kind of distorted, but I noticed that there was nothing. No past, future, life, death, monkeys, apples, or bacteria. There was nothing. No thoughts, no dreams, no disappointment, no love. And I thought, “I must be dead.” 

As soon as I did that, I realized I couldn’t be dead because I am conscious. I just had a thought. And then it all came rushing back, and I realized where I was.

But that moment when there was nothing was absolutely glorious. If there is nothing, there is no duality. There is no separation from anything, so being in the Nothing is the same as being in the Everything. And I am so grateful for that experience, because prior to that I believe that we are all One, and as a result of having that experience, I know it. I’ve experienced it.

So, when I am saying “let go” in the big picture, I mean let go of everything. All the labels, agendas, judgments, insults, hurts, negativity, dreams, goals, achievements, all of it. It’s everything and nothing. Let it all go because it isn’t real. It means nothing. 

This didn’t happen to be because I’m special or gifted in any way. I think this is the truth for everyone. We’re all a part of this Oneness and the more attachments we have, the more barriers we have to experience that place and being in that place.

The more thoughts, labels, stories, and understandings we have, the more layers there are standing between us and that Allness, the Oneness.

Aaaannnnnd, I also believe that we are here to have a human experience, so I don’t think that we need to go around chasing that nothingness. I think we are flesh and blood creatures living in a material world to have an earthy experience, so a lot of those things that I am suggesting we give up are important. They make this flesh and blood existence vibrant, alive, and meaningful. So, you may want to focus on letting go of the little things so that you can fully enjoy your human existence.

I wouldn’t say that we should let go of the things that are uncomfortable and hard. If you listened to last week’s podcast, you know that the hard stuff is often the things that mold us and give us a reason to do the things that show us and the world who we are. If there were no reason to slay a dragon, we could just sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day. Problems are opportunities. Chaos is a ladder. We need mountains to climb. 

I would say that it’s useful to let go of limitations, judgments, hurts, and invalidating stories. You know you have one of those when you say “I can’t” or when you react to something with more emotion than a situation objectively calls for. To put it another way, if something comes into your awareness and is attached to your opinion about it, you’ve got something to let go of.

One of my hot buttons is bullying. I don’t like seeing people misusing power to take advantage of others, putting them down, looking down on others, or that kind of thing. If two equals are battling it out, have at it, but if I see someone being emotionally or physically overpowered, I can’t stop myself. It’s a trigger. There is something going on there that I need to let go of. I know this. I own this.

And that button was pushed when I heard someone recommend the book “The Secret of Happy Children” which says it helps parents eliminate destructive messages and send out positive ones. Then the author actually sends the destructive message that shyness should be discouraged because it robs the people you interact with from fully benefitting from what you have to contribute. So, in other words, the author is advocating forcing shy kids to conform to other people’s expectations and move at other people’s pace.

When I heard this, I totally responded with more energy and emotion than the situation called for because I have TONS of clients over the years who were forced to conform. They were introverted kids who preferred books and Legos to football and dancing who were made to feel like freaks because they weren’t popular and outgoing. 

I was a bookworm, but I was a social introvert, so I escaped a lot of the ostracism and judgment that a lot of shy kids get, but I feel that struggle. I didn’t look down at my feet when people spoke to me or experience anxiety. I wasn’t scared. I was just wary. I wanted to know who I was dealing with before I opened up and interacted. So, I took my time. 

I think that’s a wise thing. I don’t think that is something to overcome. It’s not a problem unless the person who is experiencing it thinks it’s a problem. So, this is an example of something that I could look at. I don’t think defending the small, weak, or voiceless is a bad thing, but I am sure I could be more effective at it if I were more objective - and I am not.

So when you ask someone, “Hey, what are the things in shadow that you need to let go of?” Chances are they are going to say, “I don’t know.” It’s in shadow. How are you supposed to know about what you can’t see? But you can see it. Just not directly.

When you get triggered, that’s something that is probably in shadow. 

Those things that your partner complains about? Those could be things that you aren’t seeing, or not are seeing the way others do. 

I haven’t looked at my bullying issue, but I can tell you that the problem isn’t bullying or shyness. It’s probably something that happened when I was very little that had to do with feeling powerless. There is probably a little 4-year-old inside who is still angry about not being able to do something or go somewhere or not having a say in something who is still pouting and shaking her fist. Maybe my big sister knocked me around, so when I see little people getting overpowered, that little girl inside gets rattled. 

That’s how it works, guys. Just like the diabetes is not about having enough medicine and the water shortage is not about finding a different source for pumping water in, that emotional outburst isn’t about what’s in front of my face. If you want to let go, you have to go to the root or you will have a lifetime of chasing symptoms. It will be a never ending laundry list of things to process that you never really let go of.

So, yes. Let go of the chocolate cake, the being too busy to exercise, the bad relationship, the clutter, and the lack of discipline. Sometimes it’s time to let go of happy or easy things too like the summer fling, the cushy job that is keeping you from doing what you really want to do, or the baby that you really want, but don’t have the money, support, or time to take care of. There are big things and little things to let go of. There are physical things and emotions things. Some are in the past, some are dreams in the future.

But what I think we all really need to let go of is our modern lifestyle. There is so much about it that is simply not sustainable. Our paradigm is faulty. 

I’m not sure who said money is how we keep score, but what if the measure of success wasn’t how much money you have at the end of your life, and how much stuff and comfort you acquire, but how much you gave away? What if it was about how much you give rather than how much you get? If generosity were a really valuable asset, can you imagine how many problems would be solved overnight? There is a lot of abundance in this world. There is enough. Resources just aren’t evenly distributed.

And what if the measure of a person’s worth wasn’t in their beauty or body, but in their contribution to society or compassion? Sex crimes and objectification would end over night. Low-paying jobs like teaching and sanitation would be prestigious positions, and those people would get the gratitude and acknowledgement that they deserve.

And what if we collectively decided that sending young people off to die for land and resources was barbaric and we decided to lean into love and peace instead. I know that’s a kumbaya sort of thing to say, but I was watching the movie Gettysburg in preparation to visit the battlefield and my face was stuck in an expression of horror most of the time because it was just so bloody and awful. I don’t know how we can ignore the emotional and spiritual toll of brutality. 

There is no such thing as free lunch, y’all, and our generation is paying the price of those who have kicked the can down the road for generations. We have been putting on Band-Aids to sustain a lifestyle that is not working because we keep hoping that we are going to be in the ones on top. We are going to be the ones in the cushy job, in the nice ride or vacationing in wherever the trendy location is. Or maybe we are hoping that it’s all going to miraculously get better on its own somehow. It’s not. We cannot have the life that we want until we let go of the life that we have. So think about what that means.

Maybe it means that we let go of cheap, fast food. You know, I was listening to this Ted Talk by Dr. Rebecca Bevans on The Effect of Artificial Food Dyes. Everybody has noticed how many adults and children are diagnosed with ADD and ADHD these days, right? That’s not anything rare, is it? Decades ago there were studies that said that artificial colors were linked to ADD and ADHD, and Red #40 and Yellow #5 are still on the shelves. We are driving that demand because people like their brightly colored cheese puffs and salmon. It’s even hiding in things like prescription drugs. 

Now why do we need pink pills? I don’t know, but when artificial food coloring is associated with mental illness, allergies, mental sluggishness, fatigue, stomach problems, breathing problems, and skin irritations, maybe we want to think about letting that go. 

In the TED Talk, Dr. Bevans shared that her little boy was suicidal, and when she removed artificial food coloring from the whole family’s diet, that went away never to return. That’s a big deal. Suicide was the 2nd leading cause for children aged 10-14 in 2020, according to the CDC. That’s an epidemic. I’m not saying that food coloring is THE cause for this, but if removing it from a child’s diet makes that hopelessness go away, I’d say that’s something we can let go of. That’s easy. 

And I don’t mean banning it. Let’s take responsibility for our choices. Just don’t buy it. If we stop buying it, they will stop making it. Don’t wait for a lawmaker to take the choice away from you. Be a leader. Lead yourself. 

I had mentioned pink pills. Here’s another thing that we can let go of. Did you know that in 2019- that’s  pre-covid, the average American spent about $1200 a year on prescription drugs? Yes. 48% of Americans used at least one prescription drug in the last 30 days in America. You know what? I know that some drugs are life savers, but no one has a prescription drug deficiency. Most of these are given to treat symptoms, and they don’t do that very well in a lot of cases. 

How many people do you know who take something for anxiety or depression who are still anxious or depressed? I mean, really? But we don’t want to look at our diet, our sleep habits, social habits, drinking, exercise, isolation, sitting all day at work, workaholism, stress, water pollution, air pollution, pesticide and herbicides in the soil, radiation, or any of the man made causes of disease because a pill can take care of it. And we like our comfort.

Some food for thought. Have you heard about the rat experiment with cocaine? Some Canadian scientists built this rat park where the rats could mingle with other male and female rats. They had toys to play with. They had tunnels to play in and hide. They gave them a choice of clean water or cocaine infused water. Only a few of those who had free range of the rat park became addicted to cocaine. But the ones who were isolated and not stimulated had a much higher incidence of addiction.

And you might say, “Oh, these are rats. People are different.” True, but a really interesting thing happened in Roseto, Pennsylvania with a community of close-knit Italians in the 50s. A doctor noticed that these people had an unusually low rate of heart disease and stroke and wondered why. This kicked off a study. And from 1954 to 1961, they had half the rate of heart disease as the general population despite smoking unfiltered cigarette, drinking wine, milk, and soft drinks. They ate meatballs, sausages, pasta, cheeses, and foods fried in lard. The men worked in slate quarries where they were exposed to gasses and dust. So you would think that there should be a health crisis according to our way of thinking, right?

Wrong. Not only did they not have a health crisis. They also had very little crime and almost nobody on public assistance. 

So what was the secret? Well, Roseto, Pennsylvania had a very close knit community. There was no keeping up with the Joneses. There was a high degree of conformity. Nobody was trying to out do the other. Elders were respected and cared for and incorporated into the community, not shoved off separately to be taken care of by strangers. Most homes had several generations living within it. 

Housewives were respected. They weren’t looked down upon or made to feel inferior. The fathers ran the families. They were providers and protectors. So the community had structure, safety, and very low stress. People hung out together at community events and looked out for each other.

And what do you think happened? Well, they were lower to middle class, and the parents wanted their kids to have a more comfortable life than they had, so they sent their kids off to college to get educated and make a better living. And guess what?

They did. They moved away from Roseto, because official members of the rat race, moved into high rises and fenced in homes. Both parents worked. Moms didn’t rear their children. Nobody ate meals together. But they enjoyed nice clothes, had great electronics, played sports, and had great vacations together. And their stress level and health statistics became mainstream too. 

Root cause, guys. In my podcast a couple weeks ago with Brigadier General Marlon Crook, he briefly mentioned that we had a community. When I talked about my childhood in the podcast called, “What Does Letting Go Look Like,” I don’t think I said that in those words, but I certainly painted that picture.

It’s not just rats that get addicted when they are isolated and alone. People do too. Suicide and disease are through the roof. And we’re just putting Band-Aids on it. You know, it’s common now for people to not have any friends. How are you going to meet anybody - especially in the age of covid? We all live at work- and now work is still virtual. So, how do you meet people?

I had a client once tell me that she called me because she has tons of friends, but she can’t talk to any of them. They were too judged and gossipy. I don’t have any frenemies, but I wonder if the friends we do have are more hang out buddies than people we actually like and have something in common with.

 Everybody wants to feel like they belong. They want to feel connected and have a safe place. But when we live in boxes where we don’t know or talk to our neighbors, when we don’t even talk to the people in our own house, how connected are we going to be?

And to be fair, I know a lot of people live in toxic situations. If you grow up with Roseanne, the Steve Wilcos show, or Maury, you think that that’s normal. I turned on the tv one day because there were tornado warnings and I wanted to get an update. It was the middle of the afternoon, and I couldn’t believe the garbage that was on the tv. 

We are the average of the 5 people that we spend the most time with and if your day is spent with people like the ones on daytime tv, you’re going to have a lot of drama, isolation, fear, sadness, self doubt, confusion. 

And if you’re living the mainstream life where you select people from a dating app like you’re using a menu, well, that impacts the way we think about people, doesn’t it? It’s very transactional. “I want this, I want that.” Not, “Hm, I wonder who this person is and what it would be like to spend time with him.”

Being a whole person in a holistic world where everything is connected is not easy. It’s not convenient or easy to get to know people the old fashioned way. If you help your neighbors, it takes away time from things you want to do for yourself. If you eat with your family, you will have less time to work or work out. We have to decide what’s important.

As I said before, to have the life you want, you have to let go of the life you have. It’s a mindset thing as much as a behavioral thing. So think about what you value really. Is it just to be out of pain or is it to have a life of meaning and quality?

If you are trading hours for dollars, is it more valuable to spend those hours at work or with people you love or doing something you love? I know we all have to eat and have to have a roof over our heads. Is it more important to have a weeklong vacation or a practice that you do every day to help with stress? Everybody has a different situation and different goals, but if you want real change, start with changing the root.

That’s what we do in my Let It Go Now Community. We actually build a strong foundation first so that everyone is in a good position to let go and make space for what they want to come in. If you let go without doing a bit of prep first, you might crash and burn, right? 

I don’t think our modern lifestyle is working so well. I want the generations ahead to have the connection and community that I had, but we have to do this together. Start the neighborhood yard sale or block party. Host Sunday family dinner at your place. 

If your people are toxic, learn healthy boundaries and communication skills and teach your family. Someone’s got to lead. If your church doesn’t have something like this, be the one to start it. Everybody’s got something to offer. 

If you are not great company because you grew up with poor role models, that wasn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility now as an adult to fix it. so start with you. Be a good you. Then share the best of you with others. 

A rising tide lifts all boats. If you can ride someone else’s coat tails, do. If you can lift someone else, do. Be the center of your own private Roseto wherever you go. Bring the calm and connection with you. I don’t know what the answers are to the world’s big problems, but I know if we forget about Band-Aids, quick fixes, and want more than just feeling better, we can begin to fix them in a way that halts the slow progression of sadness and disease and start moving in a different direction.

You know, success to me is to experience life fully, have some great memories, and die loved. To do that, I have to live light and clean up more mess than I make. Or I just let go of everything. I actually do that every day as a meditative practice to help keep my head on straight. That’s my strategy. What’s yours? I’d love to hear it. We’re all in this together and have something to contribute, so let me know in the comments.

The show is growing, so thanks to everyone who is sharing it. If you haven’t subscribed or shared yet, please do. It makes a difference. Thanks for being here, guys. See you next week.