30 Relationship Mistakes in 30 Minutes (Or Less!)

Something really interesting happened recently that I want to share with you because I think it’s a great way to look into the mirror and see that Shadow that trips us all up. I was at lunch with a friend and our waitress was really unpleasant. 

You know how people can say, “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it?” and we use that feedback to watch our tone, right? Well, this lady must have taken that to heart because she had a very pleasant tone, but her actual words were not nice at all. So the honey was mixing with jalapeño and making me really confused. 

That’s when my friend looked at me and said, “No. Don’t give her the benefit of the doubt. I know that passive-aggressive game because I used to play it.” That’s when it really stood out to me that the best teachers to help us see our own Shadows is other people. It’s the whole idea of “If you spot it, you got it,” right? 

So, what I’m going to do in this podcast is highlight 30 things that stand in the way of fabulous relationships in 30 minutes or less. It’s a challenge. We’ll see if I make it. And sometimes the thing I talk about will be because of you, or sometimes it will be them. If it resonates and you notice that it’s you, cool! Change it! We can’t adjust if we aren’t aware of the issue. If you notice that it’s them, you can still adjust by asking for what you want or in some cases, distancing yourself from that person because you’re not on the same wavelength. An unhealthy relationship will not serve you in the long run. Maybe it was good at one point, but people grow, and we don’t always grow at the same rate or in the same direction, so it’s okay to let people go or to go your own way.

Hi, I’m Laura Giles and you are listening to Surviving to Thriving, a weekly podcast that focuses on one topic per week that can move you closer to connection. In my over twenty years in holistic health, I’ve come to believe that a huge requirement to having a fulfilling, meaningful life is to belong. When we have healthy connections, we can weather any storm. And if the podcast inspires you or teaches you something, I ask that you reciprocate by writing a comment, review, or subscribing as that helps boost the podcast rating so others can benefit too. You can also join my free community where we gather to deepen platonic intimacy and just have a safe place to belong. The link is in the show notes.

Alright, 30 things that mess up relationships in 30 minutes or less. Ready! Go!

1. The first one is: Not a good conversationalist. We all know someone who doesn’t have much to add to the conversation, right? There are a lot of possible reasons for this. Maybe they don’t have a lot of life experience and have nothing to add. It could be that they can’t put themselves in the other person’s shoes and so they can’t speak in a way that conveys empathy- and empathy is an important aspect of connection. It could be due to anxiety or PTSD. The hopeful thing about this one is that conversational skills can be learned. There is this free group all around the world called Toastmasters. I think it was started to help people with wedding toasts, but it really can help anyone speak in any situation. Youtube is a great place for free tips too. Everyone can learn better speaking skills and social skills. Don’t get frustrated. There is a lot of nonverbal cues that go into learning how to be comfortable in social situations, and if you grew up in an environment where your parents and peers didn’t have healthy social skills, of course you didn’t learn them. But it’s not too late to learn now. 

2. One-upping - this is when someone says something that they are proud of and you do one better. Like if I say I am going to Florida this summer for vacation, you tell me that you’re going to Fiji. If I say I just bought a new Chevy that I absolutely love, you tell me that you have your eye on an Audi. This can seem like you’re just having conversation and sharing, but if the other person is sharing something that boosts them up, just give them the limelight - even if you really do have some great, exciting news. Share yours at a different time. Sharing space in a good way is an expression of reciprocity and hospitality. It leaves you both feeling good, and that’s what a great friendship does. 

3. Being needy. Being clingy, needy, needing constant attention or reassurance, texting all the time comes from inner insecurity and not being able to read the room. It’s okay to feel insecure sometimes. We all get there, but when someone is withdrawing or wilting, notice it. Step back. Allow them some space. When they have space to recharge, they are going to be more willing to engage later. If you run over them with your needs, you can wear them out and push them away totally. I recently shared in the Sanctuary about a time when my first love and I broke up. I was leaning heavily on my friend. It was all I could talk about or think about. Finally she said to me something like, “I can’t listen to this anymore.” It was very uncharacteristic of her and the directness of her words stopped me in my tracks. It helped me to realize that I was sucking up all the air in the room and not seeing her or anything else. Even though my feelings were hurt at first, it was exactly what I needed to help me to start putting things in perspective.

It’s very rare that the thing that is preoccupying requires everyone else’s full attention. We all have lives and to live together harmoniously, we have to be both self-aware and other aware. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to other people or share your troubles - that’s what friends are for - it does mean that you want to be careful about dumping your stuff on other people. Share the load. This is why it’s good to have a wide social circle. Nobody gets worn out. And there is also professional help. Sometimes you really are needy. If you are handicapped or ill, you may need a lot of assistance. If you can spread out the load between professional and personal caregivers, it can help to prevent burn out. 

4. Advice giving - Everybody needs advice sometimes, but make sure the other person is asking for it before you offer it. I know someone who has a well meaning friend who gets so frustrated because he’s always telling him what to do, and the other person doesn’t listen. They fight about it because the guy who is giving the advice thinks he’s right. He comes across as superior and judgmental, and it feels bad to the guy he’s talking to. You’re the hero of your story. It’s up to you to make a life in whatever way you want to. You don’t have to listen to anybody’s advice and you don’t have to save the world. When we offer advice only when it’s asked for, both parties feel respected.

5. Not listening - this is ignoring what people say if you don’t like it, acting like what was said wasn’t said, or making people repeat what they said because you weren’t paying attention is invalidating. Now, we all get distracted or maybe we’re tired sometimes and don’t hear.  I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about a pattern of behavior. It’s manipulative to ignore what people say and act like it wasn’t said. That’s a tactic to get your own way because you are hoping that they don’t have the courage to call you out. That works with some people, but it also creates an unequal relationship because you dominate them. That typically doesn’t lead to a satisfying relationship. You can manipulate people to stay in your life, but you’re probably not going to feel connected or uplifted by that because it’s a relationship based on power and control, not mutual respect, love, or understanding. 

John Gottman is a leading relationships expert, and he has identified the most important indicator of a satisfying relationship. It’s acknowledgement. So, when I come into the room, you greet me. You smile. You stop what you are doing and acknowledge me in a cheerful way. Listening is a form of acknowledgement. It’s saying, “You are important. Your thoughts are important. I care about you.” 

This is a little thing. Relationships are made or broken typically from little things, not big betrayals. They fail to connect or drift away bit by bit from things like, “He’s not listening.” Pay attention to this. It can make a huge difference in the quality of your relationships. And it can sometimes stop you from getting into relationships that don’t serve you at all. 

6. Being fake - When we meet someone who we want to like us, we can put on the face that we think they will like best. We can be more cheerful, more agreeable, or energetic than we really feel. Then, if they do like us, get a version of us that is fake and can’t be sustained. So, we have two choices. We can either continue to hide our real selves, or when we let the real self out, they can feel like we’re Sybil or they don’t know who we are. It’s confusing, guys. 

If I think you are really into Scrabble and it turns out you hate Scrabble (or whatever it is), what are we going to do together? If the thing that glues us isn't actually real, I will have invested in a relationship that may not ever have been compatible. I have seen many couples over the years who are married a few years before they figure this out. They set themselves up for failure because the goal was to get married, not to find someone compatible. So, they put on the false face and pretended to have a higher sex drive than they actually do, care about their appearance more than they do, enjoy sports, cooking, the outdoors or whatever more than they do, and then they end up with a partner who is a stranger.

There are always comments like, “He’s changed. Before we were married, he used to want to go shopping with me and now all he wants to do is sit around and watch football.” He probably always wanted to sit around and watch football, and now he’s allowing himself the space to do that because he’s taking you for granted and doesn’t have to woo you. That just leads to disappointment.

Don’t be fake. If you like something, say it. If you don’t like something, say it. People can still like you if you don’t have things in common and they will have realistic expectations of what brings you joy and how the two of you can occupy that space together. 

7. Rushing to intimacy - This might sound I am talking about lovers, but I am talking about friends, too. Intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual, but if you are sleeping with someone on the first or third date, you’re probably rushing to intimacy. No judgment. I’m just saying that connections take time. You might really hit it off with someone at a barbecue and become fast friends or lovers, but overtime you get a sense of their whole selves and their whole lives. 

We can’t spill the entire beans in an outing or two, or even over the space of a few months. This is why some people don’t have relationships that last more than a few months. They committed too soon, rather than staying in that exploratory phase where you’re open, curious and figuring things out slowly. By the time reality sets in, we may realize that we don’t have all that much in common, don’t really know each other, and maybe don’t even like each other. That huge let down can be avoided if we take it slow. If someone is your true friend, they will be there a month from now or even a year from now. So, take it easy.

8. Love bombing - Love bombing is over the top approval, flattery, attention, approval, and gifts. It’s designed to get someone to like you, and it’s manipulative. Sometimes comes from a good place. In some spiritual places, we’re taught to love, be compassionate, forgiving, open-hearted, and loving, so this is an expression of that. Love without boundaries is a recipe for disaster. It can invite people to abuse you. It can lead you to disregard your own boundaries.

In the beginning of the podcast, I talked about reciprocity. Love bombing can also back you into corners out of a sense of obligation. If I have been so nice to you, you might find it hard to say no to me. If I ask you for increasingly distasteful things, you might find yourself doing things you never thought you would do because you’ve been manipulated. Or it doesn’t have to be that extreme, it could just be that you give too much, and you end up in a relationship that doesn’t feel equal or fulfilling. So beware of people who love bomb. They are not enlightened beings. People with healthy boundaries don’t do that.

9. Your bar is too high - I need to speed things up to hit 30 things in 30 minutes. Okay. If you expect people to be perfect, on call, or do what you want them to do, your bar is too high. People are different. They are not going to be everything you want them to be, and that’s okay. If you want healthy relationships, accept people as they are. 

10 Your bar is too low - Everybody is lovely, but this doesn’t mean that you have to have them in your friend circle. It’s best to have a tiered system, an outer tier, a middle tier, and an inner tier. Give the bulk of your attention and resources to your inner tier and make sure those people have healthy boundaries and you offer each other something. We are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with. Make sure those 5 people are high calibre.

I once lowered my bar because I was judging myself as not compassionate or open minded enough. I wanted to love everyone equally, and that led me to having a lot of frustration, not because they weren’t lovely or worthy people. We’re all beautiful and worthy, but it’s like if you have a really highly skilled basketball team playing a beginner team, it’s not much of a game, it is? It’s probably not very fun for either side. The same would be true if we were talking about two painters or two gardeners. There has to be a way to connect. 

11. Complaining. If you complain, or they complain, the energy is low. It’s a downer. People want to be with people who are uplifting because of resonance. The strongest energy dominates. If you are low, you might bring me down. It’s okay to talk about sad things. Life is sometimes tragic or infuriating. If you live there, people will avoid you. If this is you, get evaluated for trauma. Trauma creates negativity. It’s adaptive. It’s your brain trying to highlight potential danger to keep you alive, but it’s also probably making you and everyone else miserable. 

12. Selfishness Selfish behavior is when you think about yourself, but not others. So, maybe you eat and don’t offer others something, or you don’t consider anyone else’s time, or maybe you have a lot of resources and you’re going somewhere without a lot of resources, but you don’t share. This gives off a vibe that you are not a part of the team. Connection is a two way street. You can’t hold hands with just one hand. You have to have skin in the game. Selfishness is most common in only children because they didn’t have to share with anyone. It’s a learned mindset, and anyone can learn how to see others with practice. All you have to do is think about the other person. Consider how you show up and how it impacts them. Adjust so that both sides are comfortable and happy, but don’t over give. It’s not your job to make someone happy. Some people won’t be happy. Just consider them.

13. Drama. Drama is high energy. Some people feed off of it to feel alive. They can make baking a cake dramatic, but it’s exhausting after a while. If you’re bringing the drama, maybe you learn how to relax. If you are around drama, maybe you cut that out or reduce your contact with it. Drama is a barrier to connection. And that’s why some people engage in it. Think about that.

14. Score keeping. Relationships that keep score aren’t relational. They are transactional. There is a sense of obligation to them. We can feel let down when we don’t feel we are getting our value out of them. When we release the score keeping and enjoy each other and the moment for what it brings, each person tends to have more space to show up authentically. Now, I’m not saying that relational relationships don’t get unequal. Everyone still wants to feel valued and that each person is contributing, but it’s about reciprocity. I give because I love. You give because you love. If you aren’t giving, maybe there is no love. But there is no score keeping to it. It just feels different. 

15. Gossip. Gossip is a trust destroyer. If you are gossiping with me about our mutual friend, I know you gossip about me behind my back. A gossip isn’t selective about who they are talking about. They talk about everybody. If you’re doing this, or are friends with someone who does this, I’d stop. Some people feel that it connects them to others by aligning them against someone else, but you can’t build connection that way.

16. Unhealthy boundaries - Boundaries protect our feelings, property, and sense of sovereignty. We can’t have healthy relationships without them because we don’t know where we begin and end. We don’t know where they begin and end. We need to be clear. 

17. People pleasing - People pleasing is when you try to hard, put someone else’s comfort and feelings above your own, and don’t know where you stand until they have declared themselves. You aren’t present in this relationship - or maybe they aren’t, if your friends are people pleasers. In healthy relationships, each person has the freedom and safety to be who they are. A healthy and fulfilling relationship is not possible with this person.

18. Can’t read social cues - people who can’t read social cues can be boring, they talk too long about things nobody wants to hear, don’t know when to leave, don’t know when to stop, and can drain the energy of people around them. Social cues are ways of showing where I am. If you can’t read them, then you can’t be here with me, and we aren’t playing the same game. It doesn’t feel good to either of us because we aren’t relating. This is something that is learned organically when we are little. If you didn’t have healthy role models, you wouldn’t have learned healthy social cues, but it’s not too late to learn them now.

19. You’re always right. People who are always right and never apologize give off a judgy vibe. If you’re right, then I must be wrong. And nobody likes feeling like they are wrong all the time. So chances are, I am going to keep my distance from you. So, if this is you, I’d learn to be more flexible. Perfectionism and inflexibility is an expression of trauma. Rule that out. 

20. You don’t reciprocate - There is that reciprocate word again! If you take without giving or always try to get the best deal for yourself, or are on the receiving end of that, you’re relationships are going to feel unequal and unfulfilling. Everyone wants to be seen, appreciated, and valued. If I am always getting the short end of the stick, or am giving far more than I receive, at some point, I’m going to say no if I have healthy self-esteem. And the only way to have healthy relationships is to be in relationships with people who have healthy self-esteem.

21. Anger. Anger is normal and natural, but when it’s explosive, it’s abusive. Nobody wants that and will keep that person at a distance.

22. Lying. If I were ranking these in order of importance, lying would be my number one. It’s a relationship kill because it kills trust. People notice little white lies and inconsistencies. It’s better to say something like “I am not ready to talk about that” than to lie about something. I’ve had people in my life who were on their way to inner tier, but it was derailed by little white lies. 

23. Deception Cheating, manipulation. That will ruin a relationship and keep you from getting close. Two clients this week told me about a Facebook group called, “Are We Dating the Same Person.” Social media has a positive purpose sometimes. If you suspect your person could be cheating or manipulating and you need to go to a group like this, maybe that’s not someone you need in your life.

24. Not vulnerable - when we are not vulnerable we come across as not trustworthy or warm. It’s like snuggling up to a porcupine. Maybe the only match for that person is another porcupine. If you want to increase your social circle, maybe learn to not be so prickly. Everyone has a different personality, but some of this is learned in childhood. If you didn’t have warm, nurturing, high touch parents, you’re probably more guarded. This can change. Try Cuddle Party. I’m serious. It’s platonic intimacy. We all have touch needs and if you learn that touch is safe, you’re nervous system will allow you to open up to people in all ways.

25. Meanness - So saying things harshly or to hurt others. Hurt people hurt people. If this is you, I’d heal that so you can be close to others without harming them. If you are around mean people, maybe set some boundaries or distance yourself. You don’t have to be subjected to that.

26. Looking down on others - Making other people feel unworthy or less important or valued is a way of elevating yourself. It works, but it works at the expense of the other person. And it doesn’t feel good. So chance are, your relationships aren’t all that connected. If this is resonating, ask yourself why you are where you are - meaning why do you want to be above others or why are you allowing others to be above you. There is something to learn here. Heal that so you can have equal, loving relationships. 

27. Negativity - I’m good on time, right? Being negative is things like being critical, blaming, or being cynical. Life’s not all roses. We do experience trials, disappointments, and tragedy. It’s okay to talk about it. When you live here, you bring your heart and brain out of coherence and set the tone for dis-ease. It impacts not only you but the people around you because everything is energy. If you want to be healthier and have healthier relationships, learn how to self-soothe, cope, and move through negative events so that they don’t become a lifestyle. The Surviving to Thriving Academy can help with that, or I offer breakthrough coaching as well. Check the show notes for either one of those things.

28. Don’t initiate - So I am talking about initiating conversations, invitations, and not making an effort to sustain the relationship. Nobody wants to be the one who reaches out all the time. It can feel like they are carrying all the responsibility for the relationship, and that is a drag. Again, it goes back to feeling unequal. We all want to feel like we have an equal interest in the relationship. If you are interested, reach out. If the other person isn’t reaching out, let them know what you want. If they don’t or can’t, maybe this person isn’t healthy enough to have a meaningful relationship with you.

29. Don’t apologize. I’m not sure what makes apologizing so hard for some people, but it’s like anything. When you practice, it becomes easy. When I am with people who don’t apologize, it feels like there is a rift, I came back to a place of neutrality, but they didn’t meet me there. They are standing above me, and that doesn’t feel good. Feeling good is my gauge for whether or not I want to do something or not. I’m a gut person. Things have to feel good, and if they don’t, I can’t say yes or be there. Learning how to apologize is an EASY way to enhance your relationships. If you have ever gotten the feedback, “You never apologize” take it to heart. Notice when things are out of alignment. Own your part, apologize, and fix it. I don’t mean over apologize or take responsibility for things that aren’t yours. Just apologize appropriately. It’s healing.

30. Be open to growth. - So, what I just said is about being open to growth. If every day is about growth, your ego never gets threatened by someone giving you feedback, someone leaving, missing out on an opportunity, or not getting what you want. We’re always growing. Our friends are, too. If we don’t grow with them, we will grow apart. That’s okay. It happens, but you don’t want to be the person at the high school reunion who is exactly who they were in high school. Growth requires open mindedness, and it’s hard to stay connected to people who aren’t open to all the ways that we’re growing, or someone who can’t entertain new ideas. We live in the information age. It’s absolutely explosive the information that comes out every day. If you aren’t open to growth, you’re obsolete.

Everybody needs healthy connections. If you have no friends, have few friends, or have lots of acquaintance, but no meaningful relationships, you can make some changes, right? When I hear stories in the news about suicide, rape, divorce, and war, I think about how it can be different if we all have communities. People who are connected look out for each other. We’re healthier and happier. If you see anything in this list that makes you go, hm, I do that, tweak it! We can’t change what we are unaware of, so I hope that this helps you to be a better version of yourself and then that ripples out to the world in a very positive way. Let’s make that happen today.

Thanks for listening guys. Don’t forget to subscribe, review, and check out the private community in the show notes. Ciao!